A Parent’s Many Hats

As a parent, we have many duties and responsibilities besides just taking care of the basics; food, shelter, love,  in fact, we wear so many hats it’s a wonder we even know our true selves. I’ve compiled a list of just some of the multiple personalities that we become on a daily basis.

Short-Order Chef

Ah, yes, for all the times you have prepared a meal only to hear, “I don’t want this.” It’s a miracle how our kids can live off Goldfish, juice, and noodles. That’s not exactly the well-balanced meal that we had all the intentions of serving.

“I’m hungry!”

“Is dinner done yet?”

“I want the noodles with the meat sauce. But not the tomatoes or little green things in it.”

Right. Let me just put that order in for you, and it’ll be ready in. like. never.

No matter the effort we put into a meal, it’s bound to get hijacked by a little squirt.

Maid

If I had a third arm, it would have a high-speed suction, squeegee, dryer, garbage, and scrub brush all in one. Imagine helping your child on the left with their homework, feeding the baby on the right, while using the third arm for scrubbing the spaghetti sauce, sucking up the dog hair, and drying the vomit spot off the floor all at once. Just think of the work we’d get done!

If I had a penny for all the socks, underwear, shoes, you name it that I’ve so graciously (or not) collected off the floor, I’d be drinking mojitos on my private island. Don’t even get me started about the mounds of crusty old snacks and toys found in the crevices of the car seats. I mean, how is it even possible to get so much garbage wedged in such a little spot? It’s got to be those car seat elves, I tell you. You know, the same little creatures that you strap into the seats.

Chauffeur

Does this name need much more explanation? Between sports, music lessons, school, swimming, friends (sometimes all in a day), you log more miles on your parent mobile than the treadmill rotting in your basement at the gym. Uber thinks they’ve got a lucrative business going, but let this momma show you how it’s done. It’s like my freaky fast, meals on wheels, grocery deliverin, school bus here.

Psychiatrist

One minute there’s crying, the next there’s laughter and squealing when suddenly a Poltergeist like monster takes over our children’s tiny bodies and everyone’s getting yelled at. Talk about crazy. We’ve got to be on our toes 24/7 ready to pull out whatever trick we’ve got up our sleeve to handle the madness. It’s no wonder why more parents aren’t going through some form of an identity crisis.

Entertainer

Need a princess, evil witch, sidekick, or pirate?  How about a fisherman? The last one is more of a side gig than a full-time thing. Needed when your child decides to unravel an entire roll of toilet paper and flush it down the loo.  We’re talking the plush 1000-ply soft and cushy on your tushy kind. Why? Little Captain Hook wanted the roll to make a treasure map for when you play Peter Pan and ordered to walk the plank like Wendy.

Let’s not forget the E.R. doctor for those moments of panic and hysteria when a tiny, microscopic drop blood is visible on your child’s finger. The solution? Whatever $5 box of commercialized bandages your child picked out, which conveniently get used more like stickers and miraculously cures all aches and pains. Papercut? Here’s a bandage. Stubbed toe? Take another. Toothache? Slap on a colorful bandage and just call it a day.

Napkin, Wipe (anything to clean off their hands and face)

We’re talking snot, ketchup, spaghetti sauce, mud, ice cream, you name it, smeared all over your white shirt. Of course, your child is not trying to dirty you up on purpose; you just present yourself to look like the perfect hand wipe. Sometimes you don’t even have to be wearing a light colored shirt to get finger painted. A black one is ideal for those moments when they dive into that bag of Cheetos or whatever orange, crusted snack they shouldn’t be eating.

Comedian

This one is usually not intentional. It tends to happen after stepping on one of the million foreign objects laying on the floor or smacking your knee on the corner table left in the middle of the room from fort making. Who needs jokes when you can be the laughing stock of the family? It’s free entertainment, but for the whole clan.

The list could go on and on, but parenting is not for the faint hearted especially judging by the many characters we magically transform into on a whim.  

Which hats did you wear today?

 

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